Wednesday, September 23, 2009

My Chiggy Wiggy with GRE!!! - Part 1

Yaaaaaaaaay!!! This post is being written from Cloud Ten... 1530 it was meant to be.. Thank you all, each and every soul who bothered to wish me on gun time, each and every soul who helped me with material for GRE, each and every soul who bore the brunt of all my badgering and blabbering before the exam, each and every soul who sat with me and helped me out with every step from passport to name change to registering GRE to preparing for it.... The endless travail of wordlist quizzing and solving quants.. Thank you all...

Hopefully, essay scores don't disappoint me as well. Coz, I have gotten out of that phase in life
- where everything/everyone had a word written on them ...
- when every signal in chennai meant a difficult word like 'sartorial' at taylor's road...
- when i think of food as -viand, victuals, collusions and comestibles and not as food...
- when i think of movie spoofs as burlesques and parody...etc etc etc

And now, life seems a lot more different! How much a person can change in 3 weeks!!! :)

I want to sing out aloud a couple of lines, that seemed so apt for my feeling for sometime now..

"Aa rahi paas ya door mein Ja rahi...
Janoo na mein hu kahan pe..."

Indeed, I don't know where I am going, Near or Far of where I want to be.. Sometimes, the truth is i dont even know what I want... Neither do I know where I am... Entangled eh??

I do understand that this is just the beginning of a long odyssey that's going to be weary.. I say this because I had told everyone that I am not going into MS or PhD way if this fails... I had my ISB website links ready just incase GRE became a debacle.. looks like its not meant to be that way..

And to myself and to all those out there who think i can't and won't do anything else except an MS/PhD... The final call hasn't been made still, I could as well turn out to be a MBA degree holder with a good GRE score, rather I wish so, somewhere in a corner of my heart... And the answer to all this, hopefully would be with me by April/May 2010.. Until then, crossing of fingers continues :)

Nevertheless, hopefully, I would sit and blog one fine afternoon with the same elation about me getting my MS or a PhD degree from a gud univ too!!! If that's what it is meant to be :) God willing :)

Friday, September 18, 2009

Nearing the D-Day...

And it's round the corner... GRE!!! Five more days to go!! Just five!! I really want to document and freeze this feeling in time. I want to revisit this page - when I know my score. Either, to be happy about and cherish my preparation times. Or, God forbid, Be more responsible and learn my lessons right from the debacle - not to sit and blog less than a week before the GRE!!

The decision to write the GRE, though it took years and months of contemplation, was actually taken in a couple of hours of self-introspection on a fine sunday evening. A widely publicised sunday evening at that! I know how many calls and msgs i got that evening sharp at 7!! So thoughtful of you all nice souls, happy to have you all in my life.

And I would be wrong if I dont mention about the people who made me do that - take that step forward. A Big Thanks!! A million of them!! I dont really need to name them, they know it. Well, as it turned out, people who told me not to go this way, actually helped me more in making this decision, than those who told me to go for it! So keep contradicting, disproving, stupefying and arguing with me, that's makes us both prosper! A special thanks for those!

So at this juncture, I am at my wit's end about how my fate would turn out.Crossing fingers about what would happen. As time progressed, I have somehow gotten this feeling that GRE is more of luck, chance and kismet (ofcourse ur preparation )than anything else. But this can't be an excuse for not preparing. As usual, my preparation has been in the last couple of weeks, it has been the same always and i guess I have lost the power and the hope to change this last minute thing atleast in the future. For the past two weeks, I have been seeing people with words written on their foreheads. This is a result of me attributing a word to each and every single person's character i know. I know this sounds hilarious and looks like I am on the verge of something wrong, but this helps. And hopefully, it will all be over by the 23rd!!

The thought of the moment when the score would flash on screen is probably the scariest. People have told me how they want to finish off the last couple of questions faster, and how they get impatient in the last few moments, just to see the scores a second earlier. There have been debacles - about how widely touted as 'sureshot 1400+' got shockingly less scores and also how the not-so-talked about came up with great scores! Well, I have always felt in any race being a well-prepared underdog is the best way to be, and by well prepared, I mean the preparation of victory speech inclusive.

So, wish me, that God, and what people call luck stay with me through the rest of my preparation and more importantly - from 23rd morning 9 to 1.

Right now, all I have to say is just one thing - Pray for me, Brother!! Pray for me, Sister!!








Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Music, Mind and Me...

It would be better if i start with a small flashback before i jump into the thing i wanted to write. I have been learning to play the musical instrument veena from 14-10-1994. Yes! That is precisely the date. When I was barely five years old and when I was so small that I couldn't reach the ends of the veena with my hands, when my hands would start paining and reddening the moment i played two notes continuously. My mom must have had loads of perseverance and hope, to run behind a five-year old asking her to play veena! I actually went to the music school for vocal music and the kid in me chose to play the veena instead. Of course at that point of time it was just like I had to learn some art or the other and the girl next door learnt it and so i was naturally attracted to it. I learnt and learnt, with no great progress but some real nice grasp of basic fingering, which i now realise is extremely important, (and that's the one i am complimented for very often :P) and a lots of practice sessions on basics, that, again as i now realise, helps me understand the larger perspective, to look beyond notes and ragas, an aspect i shall probably write in future posts. Looks like it's all the same, science/research or music or architecture - stronger the foundation, the higher you reach. I did make some good progress after that - some nice competitions won, played infront of good scholars who have an amazing depth of knowledge, got some good attention, finished a lower grade degree. This by the start of 10th class - somewhere in 2003. And then it all stopped - mam shifted to some other place, i got into studies( i know that's such a sick, lame and cliched excuse, i did a thousand other things other than studying during that time, i could have done this as well) and i stopped going to veena classes - something i am really really sad about, i havent still rejoined a class in the proper sense of the word, and if there is one thing I am really ashamed about myself, its that - not nurturing the skill that i had got with so much of pain, meticulation and time investment. Not to mention my mom's efforts and time, to keep me motivated and take me back to classes even when i am fed up about the scoldings i get from veena mam! Now, there ends the flashback part.

The next issue, jumping to the present, I have always been this last minute person when it comes to studies, well, not just with studies with almost everything else, guess it's pretty much the same with many of us. I have forced myself to study in the days before exams but I havent been able to complete even 1/10 of the portion in a considerable amount of time. But somehow, the day before exam, your level of grasping, concentration and attention scales a super - high peak. On an exam day, you do some 15 times the portion you would do on a non-exam day, in the same time. How is it possible? You study some 5 units in the same time you struggle to study a small part of one unit during the cycle tests. I call it the last-minute-syndrome, clearly an impressive misnomer, nevertheless fine for now. The brain performs better under compulsion and pressure, they say. But how? How nice would it be if we can harvest and cultivate a method to have that attention all that time! Call it greed, man!

Now the link between veena and this exam thing. Its this... my mom keeps attributing this whole grasping and concentration phenomenon of mine, the last-minute syndrome, to my veena classes and more importantly to my strict music teacher. That my mind has been 'conditioned' to concentrate on a number of things at the same time and a number of other allied effects thereby making my cognitive skills better over time. To name a few, selectively hear what the mam plays, ignoring what the other students in the same room play, though i hear them to the same level of audibility ; focus on where she gives the stress on the fingers ; focus on the timing ; focus on the taalam counts, (yes maths doesnt leave music too! ) ; how long she stays on a single note and a hundred other subtle, maybe unimportant or extrememly important things. And play it back to her! Omg! That is probably the toughest part - the input is a combo of audio-visual and the output is motor - after a complex processing of 'god-knows-what' type by the brain. Add to it the audio feedback of what you play and the visual feedback of the fingers on the string and the mam's angry face! And all of it is seemingly so easy! It is all over at the moment, the moment i grasp what she plays and repeat it! Or the worse case - get scolded for not being able to play it, hear it being played once more and play it back to her! Its done! As simple as that! There it ends!

But apparently this simple momentary thing has 'conditioned' my mind for this last-minute syndrome! What exactly is the connect between both? Seemingly very different things... Well, what i am coming to say here is, how can such a input - processing - response behavior, probably performed at the moment only for the fear of punishment, influence more complex cognitive functions like learning and memory in totally a different context- the last minute syndrome? (darn! monkeys can be tested only on reward oriented behavior, i guess, thanks to animal rights ppl, we experience both reward and punishment moderated behavior! )

Could there be a connect at all at the first place? Could it be a cause- effect relation? After years of arguing with my mom, and with myself, plus recently reading a considerable bit on cognition, I think i have come to a rather vague conclusion on this issue. The conclusion is based more than intution and experience than anything else. And the answer is YES! My veena classes could indeed have had a bearing on my attention and concentration. My veena teacher scolding me badly for not playing a strech properly the first time i hear it might have actually been responsible for a couple of good grades in college. They might actually make me learn a topic or two extra on the day before an exam in lesser time, which i would not have done otherwise.

Now, clearly, it's a rather abstract relationship, not definitely a clear cause-effect, but nevertheless, I guess, if there were a study, it would indeed find some statistical significance. The effect might be due to a number of things - could be the magic of music in it, could be the multi-tasking or parallel processing or a series of quick processing by the brain (That humans can multi-task is a topic of intense research debate, so i safely stick to parallel OR a series of quick processing), it could be punishment oriented behavior, it could be inherent, acquired by practice, a combination of all these and whatnot! But the end result is, it influences more important things in life, later in life, in a complex way.

So this comes to say, small, everyday acts of ours, done unconsiously most often, have an influence on more complex things and our behavior, especially when repeated over time. This is just a very blind hypothesis, with no base to support, with no previous knowledge, rather it's a description of how i feel. But something tells me there is some amount of veritability in this, isn't it? These things do seem to have an impact on the person you are. I wonder if you have felt similar things.

There is a problem here - the issue is not just mine! How many out there are last minute people? Almost all of the student community is, except for a few. Not everyone who has this last minute study habit attends a veena class. But i might have an answer to this. In other cases, I would say there might be something similar that hones your brain and its processing - video gaming, music (listening i mean), multitasking habits (including chatting on 6 windows in gtalk! Yes that indeed counts and that's indeed a skill!) to name a few. The degree to which they influence cognition (learning, behavior, language) is different for sure, but they must have an influence, if we are to go by popular experience. After all, there have been popular papers in reputed journals about how gaming can alter our reaction times for the better, alter concentration and attention profiles, most often for the better.Now all this happens ofcourse with a plethora of negative effects that people attribute to gaming. One thing is clear from all these - all these do influence our brain in some way - forget about positive or negative effects, it becomes too relative to compare and varies from person to person. What's positive for me out of gaming might actually be a negative for you.

Now this brings us to a scary juncture - we say, the day-to-day habits and actions have an influence in the long run on the personality, rather the cognition of a person. If small day-to-day acts can have so much importance (assuming they have, say the hypothesis is proved!) what if we do them the wrong way?? Because how they exert their influence is not known, what works in a positive way might just as well work in the negative way too. Oh my, how many things have I done today that would reduce my concentration in the long run! And more importantly, what are those activities??? How do i find out?? How do i optimise them so that i have good concentration?? How can i work today so that i get a better cognitive capability in the long run??Call it greed!

Wait, at this point, there is another voice inside me that is shouting : Come on! Who bothers what influences your cognition? Why is it important anyway? What difference does it make if you have a miniscule difference in concentration levels anyway? You probably wouldn't come to know if your attention span has increased or not, given the very small magnitude of increase by such habits. You have been living althrough without being really bothered about all these for so long. The brain after all, is a self balanced and regulated system. It must be able to juggle with all these, why bother your consious self with so much of endless thought? Yes. very true. I wouldn't probably trace down my concentration, attention, cognition increase or decrease to one particular habit. It is fine the way it is and it is meant to be that way!

So now why this post? Moral of the story?? We can probably give due credit to people and things and habits that have helped our cognition so much that it is of some consipicous, discernible help to us - Recognise people and habits that have made our day a better and an easier one to live, however sublime their influences might have been. So let's stop it at that!

Now i don't really know how to conclude - I have said that i somehow feel my veena classes have helped me for the better with respect to grasping, concentration and cognition. That's the bottomline. So what? Doesn't really matter to us, eh? Okay! For the sake of conclusion, lemme put it this way : Now i just like to say a big thank you to my veena mam. For making me what i am today, for scolding me badly to the point of frustration(!), for teaching me this wonderful art, for increasing my cgpa by a few grade points, for helping me in my effort in trying to distinguish people and things, and gauge their worth at the first glance,something very important in this world and a hundred other things. And thanks to my mom, for having brought out this whole hypothesis, for being there bearing with all my tantrums in veena class, for being my biggest critique and a billion other things. More importantly, thank you both of you for being the starting point for a very different, and a rather personally gratifying post on my blog!

And the post has indeed ended, folks! Thanks for the enormous patience if you have read through fully :P The post is probably long because it is rather a self-talk and an outpour, not per se meant for public blogging. Promises for a shorter post next time!

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Overwhelmed...





is the word to describe my state of mind now. Today is my last night here at NBRC. People can be so kind to you. The moments when they go that extra mile to help you out, the moment they smile an extra inch to show their genuine happiness towards you, well, i have indeed been lucky. Thank you God! And this comes at a time, when i was telling myself 'unexpect the expected' coz friends i expected to do some things out of some sheer basic courtesy never did it and I felt badly disappointed at that. Life is an irony! Frankly speaking i never thought I would have such a weird feeling when I leave this place. It was not like i can't live without it, initially, like the feeling i had got in ICPO. Initially, the only thing that came to my mind was the isolation. But I could get over it very easily once I ventured out. The whole thing of going out on weekends became a compulsion and I am indeed a proud soul to say that I have not missed even one day of outing on the weekends. All the eight weekends i went out, had the best of fun, and geared myself up for a good week of work ahead like a good girl :)


On the professional front, when i look back, things didnt look so bright in the beginning. The day i reported to work happened to be my mentor's farewell party! Life is an irony! How true!! "Unexpect the expected!! " With all the formalities around of getting the signature from your guide, getting used to the lab routine, i was indeed lost. I had some good friends in the hostel and they guided me throughout the initiation process. Then the lab was a total surprise to me. No wet work at all. My work place was similar to a software company. I didn't touch a pipette during my entire stay here. It was all mental work, and trust me, it was more taxing and definitely gave me a more rewarding experience...


My mentor was really kind, he introduced me to the people in the lab, i would probably say the best lot at NBRC in every sense. These two months have been a time of realisation, a time for myself, to see and to observe, then to probably wish how i wanna be, sometimes how i don't wanna be. Both on the work front and the other more important front called life....

My whole opinion about a career in research has changed for the better, I should say for the second time after my last year's stint at ICPO. It has shown me that research is not just about eccentric scientists sacrificing their sleep, sacrificing their social life, accept only science and get drawn into it so much that it swallows all other passions of yours..... NO! Research is exciting, it keeps you on your foot always,and true, its demanding. But after all, scientists do have a life and that can be a lot of fun. They are indeed social, becoming a researcher doesn't mean becoming a loner.... If you sacrifice sleep, its coz you are driven to a sleepless state by the excitement of work and not just because of stupid deadlines.

And I shall probably take this opportunity to thank the people especially the ones in my lab who have inspired me. I know for a fact that they are not going to read this. None of them even know i blog. So no buttering intended. First, Atul and Pooja.They were the ones who were with me throughout, bore the brunt of my bugging, more so coz i was totally ignorant about neuroscience. They were the ones who helped me through the most difficult part of my project. They were the ones who even told me that i can indeed design an experiment of my own and test it. Something unheard for a summer trainee working for two months. Thank you and wish you nothing but the very best. And it would be a mistake if i dont mention their photography passion. You both simply rock!!!!!!!!

Then Arjun and Sharika. Oh my god! I am sure I am gonna run out of words. The couple we (all the summer trainees) reaaaaaaaaaaly admire, made for each other kinds. well to be frank you have influenced atleast a couple of people among the summer trainees to marry a person in the same field. Okie, now for the more important part, what keeps us wondering is how two people of soooooo much (for want of a good adjective, english has very little adjectives, rather, my vocab is bad!) intelligence can just gel together. People will probably start flying if they had so much of brains. Marie and Pierre Curie are the only couple to hav got a Nobel and here is another potential couple! The task i did for arjun was the most challenging one and really made me think really hard. Happy that it was successful. Sharika, she showed me the easiest and the funnest way to earn in the planet.. And then, Neha, the brainy cute one... The one who taught me the most exciting monkey work. Buddism rocks! lol... Nice time!

Well, it would be wrong if i painted a totally rosy picture. Research can be really frustrating and depressing, in enormous proportions. I could have ended up doing nothing but crying out of frustration every single night. I could waft through all those, just because of one factor - my gang of friends at hostel II. I easily had the best time of my life. Not to mention, one of my biggest achievements so far - waking up until dawn, watching shane west movies. The endlesss talks at the lawn, the walk the talk sessions with gagan, the ultimate goal of combing subhankar's hair, the yummmmmmy midnight snacking (omg I put on a lot of weight that way), time with my stupid roomie ankita. The inspiringly studious purabi, the tamil-gossiping duo me and vaishnavi, the pretty cutiepie of a friend neharika and not to forget, what-a-revelation vishala. Miss you too much guys, the only benefactor from our separation being vodafone! I still wish i had spent some more time with gaurav, divayanshu, ali, anand, sheetal and anupama. But that's how its meant to be. I shall for sure publish in Nature one day, the glycogen cycle that me and ali formulated on a lazy saturday afternoon :)

It has indeed been a great experience after all. My guide, the super cool one, probably the coolest i have ever seen. He always looks at the broader perspective and I believe that is the only way to move forward in research. I realised that the respect you tend to command out of sheer knowledge and intelligence is far better and greater than the ones that any post would confer on u. He has been a true inspiration in every sense....

All said and done, I have not still made up my mind on research. Its a commitment for a lifetime, not like switching between political parties. I don't still know if i have it in me to do it. Badly in need of help on that front. Nevertheless, the balance has tilted a lot in favor of research and added to the existing confusion in choice. Well, did someone say, the more the merrier ?

P.S: I am publishing the draft almost ten days after i wrote it. Also, I would like to reiterate : this post is not to thank all those who helped me or to mention all those who inspired me. I know for sure, these wouldn't be read by the people i have thanked. Obviously, they would benefit better by devoting this time to reading a paper in sciene or nature. All I wanted to do was to capture the moment for future, freeze the feelings in time. There are people who influenced me to a great extent and dont find a mention in this post. And there have been moments of fun, so many that i can't probably sit and type down in one post. And this post, is just the tip of the iceberg!

Monday, June 29, 2009

Research can be quite a revelation!


I am sitting here, a week more to go before my odyssey at NBRC ends, with a myriad of feelings, joy, regret, panic, fear, extreme bursts of fun, whatnot. It will probably take me months to write about whatever i wanted to write. But i shall put myself through it for sure. I had been complaining of lack of back-breaking work,but, it did turn out to be a blessing in guise indeed. I did read quite a few things that were simply, mind-blowing, for want of a better word.


The study of cognition is my area of research this summer and it sort of overlaps with psychology quite a bit, in a sense that i do behavioral studies. This area of study is very much intriguing, for u study about a machine, called the brain, using that machine itself, how wonderful!!! I shall talk about it later. Right now, I read this beautiful article about 'the feeling of regret' in animals. I thought this whole feeling of 'i should have done this instead of that' and the self instrospection that occurs in the aftermath of an event that goes terrible wrong is restricted only to humans. But animals also? I simply can't imagine. Probably i have never given it a thought. Read until the very end even if u feel bored.. It's worth it!
here is the link:



Happy reading!