Small or Big? Now or Later?

Just press the pause button in your life, just for 5 minutes, for I understand, Time is indeed money. Discussing time-benefit analysis happens more than cost-benefit analysis be it in a board meeting or in a small lab meeting these days ! Read ahead now.

The moon that you so far didn't notice tonight is so beautifully shining amidst the brilliant stars. So what have you been doing today? Make a list. Just to add to our elevated sense of well-being, lets assume you indeed accomplished a million things - be it as small as catching that bus on time or making that perfect blend of coffee to something as big as getting that all-important deal sealed, or negotiating a multi-billion dollar merger. Include them all. You might be a slogging student or a busy businessman, a non-entity or a celebrity. You might have had the best day of your life or have had the roughest of a ride. That's immaterial. Just list down what all you did.

Now imagine your brain were a camera. Look at the bigger picture. ZOOM OUT. How many things you did in your day actually contribute (even if negligibly small) to something big that you always wanted to do in life - your so called long-term ambitions, even if that is simply "to be happy"? How many things did you NOT do today just so that you could do something productive? Oh wait, I heard something - there - the balloon just burst..Oh that was mine, let me be honest. You know what the balloon is.

If you haven't realized yet, the way we define productivity, success and everything else we search for on an everyday basis, isn't actually the way we want it. What is so important today apparently turns out to be one of those 'yea, it wasn't something that I could have just glossed over, but it is not the end of the world either' types.It looks like we aren't being productive enough in a single day to be on track to achieve those dreams we always cherished. If nothing in your list could make it to the prized productive list, so be it. The first fact in becoming more productive is to accept there is scope for improvement. And I reiterate, I do not mean productivity at work alone.

So what the heck are we doing? We spend 24 hours a day, extremely exhausting ones, and that doesn't contribute even a tiny little bit to where we want to be? REALLY???? It is now that the realization dawns, didn't someone tell us "The journey matters more than the destination"? Success doesn't happen in leaps and if it does, it doesn't last. It happens in tiny (for the engineers - it is the perfect example of an infinitesimal change!) little chunks that make up the perfect picture. Indeed, it happens to those people who are too busy looking for it, too busy to notice it.

So, in the process of chasing a few things, do we miss out on something vital, do we fail to enjoy the journey while constantly illusioning of accelerating towards the destination? How long are you going to skip breakfast, how long are you postpone making that phonecall just because you had something seemingly more important to do at that moment ? How much has that 'seemingly important' task scored on your productivity list at the end of the day? Does that mean you are getting your priorities wrong?

Well, the mistake that we often make is not in prioritizing the smaller tasks in our everyday life - we have evolved to be perfect in it - what to do at this moment is often obvious or dictated by your Google Calender. But where we go wrong is prioritizing the elements of the larger picture. Yes ofcourse, money is definitely important, career defines who you are, you have not come this far to quit. But where do we draw the line between doing something to achieve a dream in the future and living the moment? Do we draw the line at all? Is life just all about those dreams so much so that it can engulf your everyday being?

Yes, all of us nurture many dreams both on the professional front and on the personal front. And agreed, being a dreamer is the best you can get in life. But how far will you go to turn that to a reality? How many sacrifices is it worth of? How long are you going to keep making those sacrifices in search of that seemingly ever-elusive dream?

Obviously, the only way out is to enjoy the journey, pay attention to little things, derive pleasure from them, be whole-heartedly content with very small successes. ZOOM IN on life with your brain camera. Smile often - for yourself, just for yourself. From time to time, get crazy, become a child, play with water, eat a weird combination, laugh at yourself, sleep, stare through the window without thinking of anything - DO NOTHING (the most difficult to do, of all, trust me!) I would definitely argue 'doing nothing' is a time that improves productivity like no other. After all, on what can you draw the best-ever painting? An empty canvas.

And as you sit and stare through a window, looking at the soft moonlight, once a while, you realize a few things and some people choose to call it bliss. You - Realize how you always used to dream in the past about living that life you are currently living and complaining about. Realize how your life unfolds in such a way that what appeared to be the end of everything turned out infact to be the best thing that could have happened to you. Realize the person who appeared to be the most important one in the world is a non-entity in your heart now. Realize how that broken relationship has actually taught you a lesson and made you better. Realize how you wouldn't have had this wonderful partner in life if it wasn't for that horribly painful break-up. Realize how you wouldn't have gotten this far in the job if it wasn't for that previous bugging boss. Yeah baby, this crazy thing called life makes sense only in retrospect. So count your blessings now. You are CHOSEN to live this moment in this position, amidst these people at that place. No one else. Enjoy that previlege.

So get back to your list, put a big tick mark and a smiley next to the little things. If you haven't written down anything of that sort, go get a life! Remember to pat yourself and put two smileys against that perfectly blended coffee or staring out the window and watching the rain for 5 mintues - for these are the moments where ideas are born and relationships are saved. Did someone say long-term productivity? These small things influence the realization of your dreams in ways you can't imagine and articulate purely by logic. Look at the moon again now, isn't it smiling at you?

As the last word, I am not saying we ought to give up on the race called life. Be as competitive as you would ever be, be assertively aggressive. But on the highway, do NOT forget to notice those beautiful green fields, the colors of the sky or the river beneath that bridge while you drive. Those are the ones that make the race more worthwhile - because you drive with a smile after noticing them. The acceleration lost in those moments is totally worth it. Not to mention the disclaimer - just notice, if you keep looking at and concentrating on these little things throughout the drive, you are probably going to crash!

Here's wishing you happiness - small or big and the power to notice it. Godspeed.

P.S - Sorry for the misleading title, pun fully intended!

Strawberry Soft Serve...

Have you ever observed a pattern in the way your life unfolds?

I've always admired the phenomenon of deja vu, the mental phenomenon. But this is different. Few things, actually happen in a similar way, as if they follow a repetitive pattern. Not that you perceive them that way, or that you plan in advance for them to occur. They just _happen_.

Now in this season of farewells, I have somehow recognized it happening. Every time I say a good-bye to a dear friend (how much dear I hold the friend to me is very important here, not all friends get such a good-bye from me!), I always end the day with a strawberry soft serve at McDs. ALWAYS. I can count atleast 5 times this has happened. Today, I did it because I just wanted the pattern to continue, given the fact that McD was just a floor away.

The first one was at the McD at South-Ex. The last day of my summer of 2008 at ICPO. Probably the beginning of the pattern. Good-bye to shakky and neha. The day that still holds a lot of everygreen memories for me, followed by the Dominoes night on July 8, 2008. They all made the day I said farewell to all those dearest people - july 10,2008, all the more special! Those memories are just etched and I am sure I shall recount it to even my grandchildren!

And then while at NBRC, 4th July, 2009 - McD at Ambience Ambience - goodbye to ankita, subhankar, gagan and purabi. After the fateful pasta and the amazing raj kachori, i remember we finished it with the Soft serve! I just loved it and I remember how hurried we were, to get back.. It was one real adventure, wasn't it? A memorable one at that... The whole institute went into a frenzy searching for us late in the night :)

And now very recently, on the 14th of July, we went out to Ampa Skywalk! A super gang of girls, happy-go-lucky ones.. Went around and around.. finally bid farewell over soft serve @ McD, Skywalk... Madhura, harini, vinitha, apoorva and priya. Again a tad emotional like every other time, but the excitement of the strawberry soft serve overcomes it all..

And today, with vaishnavi, it was time to say goodbye... After lots of talking, we finally finished it off with Strawberry Soft Serve, purposefully so. I shall remember this day for long for more than one reason, mainly for all the conversation that we had. Felt so heart-warming :)

So here's wishing, the number of such good-byes come down, though I would love to continue the stint with the yummmmmmmmy strawberry soft serve, given that I am such a strawberry person, I blindly go for the flavor, whatever be the dish - from milkshakes to perfumes!
(By the way, a couple of good-byes have been over chocolava cake recently, memorable again! Just two of them, but then that was because of lack of McD nearby!)

Talking of patterns, as one of my friends Madhura rightly pointed out in all her wisdom, its also true that we go through the same kind of feelings when we wear the same dress. I have seen it happen atleast quite a few times recently. I have a blue Fabindia top which drives me crazy with emotions. I always end up having one of the best times of my lives the day I wear it, my heart brimming with an undefinable sort of happiness and then the person of the day leaves the place and I end up crying fully the rest of the day - Out of the sheer thought of missing those wonderful people and the memories, and trust me, it isn't planned that I would wear something that day. It just Happens.. Rather, maybe it's meant to happen that way. Happy to know the same happens with many people as well. Ofcourse, I would be telling a lie if i said the same happens whenever I wear that dress, then I would be planning these and these wouldn't make for interesting co-incidences for me to write about. It's actually the other way about - such days happen to fall on days when I wear that particular dress, that's the interesting thing here.

So pardon me if reading this post was a waste of your time. This post has had no thinking behind it, no editing too. Just pouring out. As I keep telling, this blog is a time machine for me, the place I vent all my feelings out. And this post, comes at the spur of a moment, out of mixed emotions, out of the feel-good I have got today. Just take a bit of this enthu if you would like from here. It grows double when I share!

If you've gone through the same, have ever observed a pattern in your lives, make me happier by posting them in the comments! These things make life more worthwhile!

The adjective 'Indispensable' is a myth...

My bro is reading conservation of natural resources and was reading aloud this most important question that comes everytime on every single question paper. "Differentiate between renewable and non-renewable resources". And all of a sudden, he appeared to me like the ultimate philosopher material. He popped a question out of nowhere - "Do human beings fall under the renewable resource category or the non-renewable resource category?" I was actually bowled over! On one side, the person in me said 'non-renewable' because, renewable means there is an equivalent replacement, similar to the previous one in all respects, after a period of time. NO. How can i replace someone in my life with another? Just Impossible! Aren't these people just too precious, too unique, too one-of-a-kind to even think of a replacement? NO, human resource is non-renewable. Without an iota of doubt!

But on the other hand, let me look at it like a HR manager. There are millions of people out there, each one with his/her own story in life, each one with his/her own code of DNA, each one with his/her own skill sets. And out of sheer chance, there ought to be atleast a few people with similar skill sets, similar characteristics, similar thinking processes. Having said that, finding these similar people, though might be a task, it is still a feasible possibility. And talking of renewability, those few who are alike, need not even exist in the same time period to be called that way. So the answer is very clear - human resource, is a renewable resource, especially considering it over a period of time. What looked like non-renewable, irreplaceable at one point of time, morphs into a thing that appears to be replaceable.

Moving on to a more reflective philosophical state, indeed, everything and everyone is transient. HR, is indeed renewable. What you are today, somebody else would be tomorrow. What is yours today, would be somebody else's tomorrow. It takes a great deal of experience, told and self-endured, to realise this. Incidentally, influences and such great knowledge of life can happen at the most unexpected of moments - I shall explain how this thought sunk into me.

It was Nayanthara, yes, she belongs to the tribe of actresses - a tribe we generally attibute stupidity to, not gyan. There's no place for wisdom in showbiz, or so do we assume. But ironically, when asked if she was insecure about her No.1 position in tamil(she had just finished chandramukhi then), and if she would be jealous if someone else took it over, she replied, "those feelings are but natural, it's all transient" - words ripe with wisdom. She was arrogance personified in that interview, but good things always come with a dash of an unpleasant taste! She said "like everything else, the No.1 spot is transient." The very day she took the crown, she had to realise that it was 'taken' from someone and that taught her that it was indeed very transient and that it would be passed on very soon too - 'taken' by someone too. It is just a matter of time. And when asked about why she isn't great friends with many in the industry (unlike Trisha and Shriya who apparently are the best buddies, and Nayan being their arch rival)she replied matter-of-factly "We are made to forget the difference that exists between an acquaintance and friendship these days. While it might elevate your sense of well-being considering the number of friends, more often than not, it terribly pulls down the worth of good friendship. Everyone gets passed on as friends" I thought what she said was total crap at that point of time, thought she didn't have the bliss of having so many people around, everyone of them deserving to be called the best of friends, the kind of people who make your life, the kind of people you can't live without. Never realized she had a point then.

She also made a very profound statement that just blew my mind away, after all these years. " The only person who is going to be with you all-through your life is nobody except YOU, and when you expect someone else to be with you, it becomes a mistake of yours which you would more often end up regretting. You ought to be your best friend, philosopher and guide, the pillar of support and the proverbial shoulder to cry" OK, understandably, it's not quoted verbatim, it's my interpretation of what she said. But then, how true, how ripe with meaning! If we could get that thought into us, accept it in its whole, life becomes a lot more easier. Most of the issues that arise today in relationships, is probably because of unrealistically enormous expectations we have for the other person, while we never even bother about what might be expected of us. Having seen many a relationship go down like a pack of cards, it suddenly dawns on me that taking something for granted and thereby having huge expectations is the primary culprit, not just with relationships, but in a lot of other things in life as well.

One might argue this is the epitome of selfishness and this isn't a very good way to lead life. Let me clarify. I don't mean detachment here. I am not asking you to refrain from building trust and friendships that seem to engulf your life in totality. That's as close it can get to heavenly bliss. My point is this - Love the person, the place or the thing or your career or an idea as much as you do now. Just love, minus the expectations. There is no room for disappointment then, there is no room for accusations then. You are responsible for your actions in totality. Don't expect them to do something, behave in a way, just because they are what they are to you. Not even things as simple as calling you back when they see a missed call from you. Thereby, whatever nice comes to you,they do to you, all of it is just a sweet surprise, doubly sweet in a sense because it was unexpected. Doesn't that sound great? All the love for people and things minus all the pain that comes with it. Just take expectations out of the picture. Maybe I am wrong, but I am happy this way and that is it - my way of dealing with anybody and anything.

Another instance i would quote, is from a person who I can safely call my idol, my inspiration and just about everything of that sort. Chinmayi. After every show of Airtel Super Singer she used to host, there used to be this elimination phase that's high on drama. Indeed, those tears have given the TRPs a boost like nothing else. (Super singer was the one that had the least bit of drama back then, when she used to host). And then while signing off, she used to say with her trademark 'goodbye' in multiple languages, a very profound statement, just fitting for someone as wise and as knowledgeable and as ready-to-learn as her. Something on the lines of 'Men may come and men may go' she used to say to the eliminated one, "We ll miss you here on the sets for sure, good luck to your future.. But viewers, all said, NOBODY IS INDISPENSABLE AND THE SHOW SHALL GO ON" And the show shall go on. What a statement! Fit it into your life. How true!

Now as I somehow fit the pieces of my life to see a picture out of these 21 years, read chat archives, read whatever I had documented at various points of time about how I felt, i realize its true. Nayan and Chinmayi are absolutely right. You are your own best friend and more importantly, Nobody is indispensable. Let alone things. If that holds true for people, the question of things doesn't even arise.

So why all this ranting now? Obviously I am at this juncture of life that's high on emotion. Farewells are one of the toughest things to handle for a person like me. Like I've always said, I end up missing people, places and things very badly. But then, let me be frank. I have somehow gotten used to this 'missing people' story now. People I thought I could never live without, are now my gtalk buddies, just that. 'Hi, wazzup, bye.' Period. And I don't repent it, not either of our fault that we are just that kinda buddies. They would still figure among the 'best friends of my life' list. I would anyday thank God for bringing them into my life. I still call them midnight on their birthdays and would end up feeling really sad myself if I forget to do that. But I am not any more that close to them, like how I used to be, when they figure in every hour of my day that passes... Not any more so close that me or my friendship is needed to them to make their day, which implies, I am dispensable. Just as they have become to me. Dispensable.

That said, I should also admit that, that particular period of my life wouldn't have just been the same without them. If I am what I am, it is definitely because they formed a big part of the universe that conspired to make me what I am. Yes, they were indispensable in that sense, but only in that period of time. Maybe, we should always define indispensability with an expiry date.

No, don't paint a picture of me as someone who has 'use and throw' friends! Not at all. I've known from my friends that I've been a very good one at being a friend, a very helpful and trustworthy one at that. No, they weren't flattering me in slambooks. That's real coz that's what I have always strived to be - a good friend, to add a little more meaning to my life. A good friend, close to someone who seems to be indispensable... That's what I wish I always am and continue to be, come what may.

So this is to you, my dear friend, my dear well-wisher : I have always believed we were indispensable to each other and I thought we would be so, forever and ever. I really cherish the moment when you said my day isn't complete without you. I really liked it when I knew that you wouldn't be what you are, without my small role in your life. I really liked it when I could rejoice your successes as mine and cry in your tough times as though they were mine. I really assumed I was indispensable to you and it really seemed so, back then, and I know it was definitely not an illusion. But the bubble just burst. Pooh, there.. without a trace. I never thought you could ever live without me, but after a while, it now looks like you can.. since I now live without you. I shall admit I did miss you initially,with every single thing around reminding me of you and the wonderful moments together. But dear, let's face it. It's been a while now and the brain's memory is weirdly designed that you are indispensable no more.

Yes, I am my own best friend, the show called 'life' will go on even if you, my friend, meri jaan, aren't part of it. And... The adjective 'indispensable', is a myth indeed!!

The precious little somethings...

OK,enough of amateur movie reviews on my blog. My friend sent me an sms saying - "The biggest comedy of this century - we are ENGINEERS!" Oh yes, what a joke! Four years have just gone by. Whoooooosh! Just like that! Ofcourse, memories remain and thankfully, the sour ones dont even form 1% of the ones i really cherish. As it sit and think, at the fag end of this ethereal experience, I can't really narrow down on one incident or one person or one day or one thing or one issue to talk about. Its the total package that makes it extremely special. But those memories shall be talked about later, making us cherish them all the more. No, I am not going to talk about how great college was, and not definitely about how badly I am going to miss it. This is about a weird practice of mine, a kind of confession in a way. Not many of my friends, even the closest know this little thing i have for saving little things, saving photos and smses - simply for the memories that I attach to them.

The person I am, I get close to people very easily, i get comfortable with different kinds of people, or atleast that's what i have been made to understand about myself for so long, whether or not it's true. But there is a serious flip side to it. I also end up missing the people very very badly once we take different directions in life, and it somehow happens that meeting them again doesnt seem very plausible often. The result is that I start treasuring little trinkets, ranging from tissue papers to photos to smses to small cute keychains, little gifts, certain dresses, etc etc etc.. Most importantly, chat archives ( I literally had tears when my computer crashed and all my chat archives were gone with the yahoo messenger) Not necessarily because, they were the best moments that had radically changed my life, and not because they were from exceptional people or the most important ones in my life, but because I really felt different at that moment, and living through that experience gave me a unique kind of feeling. And every time i see/touch/feel/read each of the memorabilia, I relive that moment. For similar reasons, sometimes i feel i need to pen down things, so that the feeling that the experience gave me stays evergreen. And i have, written down a lot of such things that I wouldn't dare let anybody else read. The vulnerable me, with all my innocence and longing for a small, contented happiness intact is the author and that's the simple reason I wouldn't let anybody else read it.

As years roll by, we might remember an incident, a person who made a difference and probably that feeling when we felt hurt. On the other hand, the small, little, cute nothings and those fleeting moments wherein you experience absolute bliss go uncaptured in time. As they rightly say in VTV, 'andha nodi' just slips by, even though you might remember in vivid detail what happened that day. This writing and memorabilia freezes all those little nothings and gives you a wonderful high when you recount them. And this happens not only to the sweetest of memories, but to the not-so-sweet ones that made you learn a lesson as well.

So right now, this thought has been running through mind. Am i right in doing it? After all, it has been giving me absolute happiness all these years, nothing has happened that I would want to stop doing it. On the other hand, am i over-burdened by these memories? As the memorabilia accumulate, does it stand for nothing else but clutter in my cupboards? Add to it the pain of guarding it and reasoning it out to people who discover it. Is it really worth it all?

Does everyone else treasure memories this way? Or is it just me? Is there any other way you remember things, places, people, hang-outs, get-togethers? Tell me please, because, the present was shaped by the past and memories then, can help you face the present in all courage and infuse in you that indomitable spirit to look up to a brighter future. And the past, has taught us something or the other always, if only we care to look out for the lesson.. It might be as simple as what makes you happy or otherwise.. As simple as what kind of people you go well with and those that you don't... These trinkets and little somthings that i treasure make the memories surface again, indeed, they make a time machine... I am not going to stop doing it. After all, nobody else in the world has such a better time machine at their disposal! Comments?