Behene de...

Wants to speak out loud and clear on a million things. Don't know where to start. Nothing that bothers me, nothing that excites me like crazy, though I would have rated hundreds of events that are happening now that way, probably two months before.

I am a changed soul now, much hardened, much more realistic, much more on the face, no more the sweet person who can accomodate everyone and everything. Oops, Oh god, I am growing up! No, please, let me not. Peaks of fun followed by peaks of crazy work, followed by peaks of emotional thinking. What's happening? Maybe, I should sleep more?

Pass hai phir bhi paas nahin.. Humko yeh gham raaz nahin.. Don't know why, but I wanted to write these lines here.

Yeah, some people have indeed left a mark, an indelible one on my life in the past. Unforgettable people with an incredible charm. But suddenly you realize, as I had always feared, you are the same, they are the same, but the thing between you isn't the same anymore. I am afraid, we actually took all those words we said during the farewell way too seriously, especially that effing "Time to move on in life!". How I wish not!

Ok, not all that's happening in life is grim n sober - it's indeed beautiful. Maybe, this is how a change looks like in life. And as they say, a change is the only one that's permanent. Let me go with the flow, as I always have. Behene de!

Ig Nobels

Now, if the Nobel prize is too far, out of reach, maybe I should give it a thought.. IgNobel sounds cool!
Reproduced from Deric Bownds' MindBlog, which inturn refers to a Science article:


ScienceNow does a summary of this year's ignoble prizes. This year's ceremony was an exception for including a cash prize: A $100 trillion note from Zimbabwe. (The note's actual value: nada.) One prize returns again to work that I have mentioned in a previous post, showing that slime molds can do as good or better a job than humans in designing transport networks. Here is a list of some of the others:
Engineering: Marine biologist Karina Acevedo-Whitehouse of the Zoological Society of London and colleagues for their method of collecting samples of whale snot using a remote-controlled helicopter.

Medicine: Psychologist Simon Rietveld of the University of Amsterdam in the Netherlands and colleagues for discovering that asthma symptoms can be successfully treated with roller-coaster rides.

Physics: Public health researcher Lianne Parkin of the University of Otago in New Zealand and colleagues for proving that wearing socks on the outside of shoes reduces slips on icy surfaces.

Peace: Psychologist Richard Stephens of Keele University in the United Kingdom and colleagues for demonstrating that swearing alleviates pain.

Public health: Microbiologist Manuel Barbeito of the Industrial Health and Safety Office at Fort Detrick, Maryland, and colleagues for determining that microbes flourish in the beards of scientists.

Economics: The executives of Goldman Sachs, AIG, Lehman Brothers, Bear Stearns, Merrill Lynch, and Magnetar "for creating and promoting new ways to invest money--ways that maximize financial gain and minimize financial risk for the world economy, or for a portion thereof."

Chemistry: Engineer Eric Adams of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology in Cambridge and colleagues for disproving the belief that oil and water don't mix.

Management: Social scientist Alessandro Pluchino of the University of Catania in Italy and colleagues for mathematically demonstrating that organizations can increase efficiency by giving people promotions at random.

Biology: Biologist Libiao Zhang of the University of Bristol in the United Kingdom and colleagues for their study of fellatio in fruit bats.

Serial killer!

Well, I thought I shouldn't write this on a public forum. But this is one significant day of my life, so much so that I just can't let it skip by without a trace. (No charges against me/my lab or anyone related to me for this, no factual things quoted in this post. All procedures approved by animal welfare committees concerned).

This was a day that marks the acceptance of me as a researcher by myself. Today was the day I did a surgery on a mouse and made slices out of its brain. I did that all by myself for the first time today, though I had watched it being done a couple of more times before. Well to watch it and to do it are totally different things altogether, as I now realize.

Morning I dropped in just to watch Anne-Marie perform the surgery( I am for sure going to remember her for long for teaching me so patiently, others in the lab deserve a mention too). Once she was done, she suggested I do it from scratch all by myself. And I really wanted to get over my inhibitions for doing it, so I did it eventually. I was pretty confident about the steps to be followed in the animal house, or so did I think, then. Infact during the first surgery of the day that I watched, I picked up the mouse from the animal house. So I thought it wasn't really a big deal. So I go in to that isolated animal house, all by myself, nobody even anywhere close except stinking mice. Do all the protocols that I am supposed to, fully armed, totally clean into the cage room. I take out the cage and there, four cute nice fluffy shiny mice, playing with each other as if today was the last day of their life. Yes, it was going to be. All they knew was the food that was in there. And a huge pair of hands over them trying to wave to them!

Then came the most horrible part - all I had to do was to catch it by its tail and then put it onto another box so that I can take it to my bench. There I froze. Just froze, couldn't think, couldn't move. My heart pumping in my mouth, for that little thing. Not that I am a big fan of animals in general, nor am I one of those who create a big hue and cry about use of animals in research. But to DO it, omg, I would have had a cardiac arrest!

So I waited and waited and waited... Put the cage back, took it out once again,.. Waited.. Waited... all the while, talking to myself, cheering myself up, apologizing to the mice, talking to them, telling small prayers to them! OMG, you might think I am crazy, but I am what I am, the least I can do to that little thing out of which I make my bread and butter.

Once I did that, the rest was OK, not as horrifying as it was earlier. Even the decapitation part of it looked simple enough. But it has made this day an eventful one. Makes me wanna think, "that's life ain't it? TRANSIENT". What's a good day's work to one person, costs the life to another. Unfortunately the analogy doesn't stop with the equation between a researcher and a mouse alone, it applies to much higher examples. And it isn't even survival of the fittest in this - you would be the first one to be 'sacrificed' if you were the best of the lot! Makes my faith in destiny grow stronger!!

All said, when I had the brain slices in my hand, my joy knew no bounds, I wanted to go tell the entire world that I had done that! It was everyday work for people here, nothing even close to a special moment, but only a corner of my heart knows that it was a bet against myself, against my inhibitions and what I thought was the limit of my ability. Now, I don't know if i even did it correctly, if it was what ideally a good slice should be. But I crossed the lag phase. I am happy to have made a beginning.

God help me with the rest, as always.

How much work can get me thinking!

Ambition and Content - Mutually Exclusive?

OK, so I am one month into what I thought I would never be - a PhD student! A phase of life in which it is very easy to get so engrossed in work, when little things don't matter, when raindrops are no more special, when food is just to satisfy your hunger pangs, when what you do on a phone call diminishes to the matter-of-factly voicemail (indeed, there's a sea of difference between what you talk on both and how you talk) when you forget to see a person behind a professional, when your world becomes too small and work too precious, even more precious than a small happy contented life. So here's the big question? Is chasing an ambition worth sacrificing all the content that life would have offered you otherwise? Do you even have a choice? Is the ambition worth all the travails and efforts of chasing it?

This is when I read this article by on the O-zone column by Vinita, a TOI columnist, someone's words really strike a chord with me. I am putting it up here, no copyright violation issues please. (I am at CMU, remember? :P) So here it is, with all due credit to her.

Ambition and a contented personal life need not be contradictory to each other. Don’t make your ambition impossible to achieve!

Are less ambitious people better off than those who are wildly competitive? Is life a better deal for those who are average students, get a decent degree, find themselves a secure job and settle down comfortably in it? Now all they need to worry about is securing a happy home life, bringing up normal, average kids and living happily ever after! Probably here too the standards they set themselves are not too high and so, with lower expectations, their chances of disappointment are much lower too.

Rahul Sharma (name changed), a colleague, talks of a friend who years ago told him he didn’t want to ever grow beyond a GM. “I found it very strange then,” says the highly competitive self-flagellating colleague, “but now as I find myself with no time for myself and just a weekend relationship with my wife as bosses and work take over all my waking hours, I think my friend was pretty smart! Today, he has chosen a career and lifestyle that may not be cutting- edge, but which gives him enough time for the rest of his life!”

I cannot believe that Rahul seriously meant it, because if he did, what’s to stop him from throwing in the towel even now? The fact that he will not do so means that he holds his drive, his ambition and his goals dear, and is willing to make the required sacrifices for the same. As all those with overriding dreams and ambition do.

However Rahul goes on, “The pace of my life is such that I don’t know how eight months of this year have passed by. I have no time to remain in touch with friends since I work round the clock to keep up with competition. Age is catching up and I know soon I will be old with hardly any intimate friends left. I am familiar with a lot of people courtesy Facebook but on social media sites like FB, we are trading intimacy with familiarity. The digital world is crazy and addictive and perhaps we are attracted to it since we decide when we open and shut conversations with Facebook friends.”

Says another friend, “I am increasingly finding myself feeling lonely in the middle of all the work and projects and even with family around. I think it is the lack of “me” time that makes me feel so. Maybe I’m missing my own company, my own thoughts. Or, maybe I am missing being with close friends. That is when I seek out people on FB. There is no time to be intimate — physically, mentally, spiritually — either with yourself or someone close.”

And yet how would we be any different from animals if all we did was eat, sleep and exist in the small space we call ours and be happy to mark its boundaries as ours? What is life if not an aspiration, a stretch to reach out to the next goal. It is that aspiration, no matter how unattainable the goal, which lifts us above our circumstances and helps better our lives. If a carpenter were to dream of being the country’s Prime Minister, chances are that he may at least end up setting up a small business for himself and carve out a better life for his children. On the other hand, if resigned to his lot, he were to have no ambition, he would die a carpenter and so would his future generations. An impossible dream may shape a better reality for him.

The problem is not with the dreaming, but with making that dream an obsession; not with ambition, but with making that drive the be-all and end-all of your existence. Ambition and a contented personal life need not be contradictory to each other. We should be able to distinguish between ambition that is within the realms of possibility and that which may be an impossibility to achieve. Knowing that, we need to strike a balance between overriding ambition and a contented personal life. There are phases when one needs to give one’s all to work and others when one needs to step back with equal confidence and give due importance to one's personal life. Balance and time management is the key — certainly not as easy as it sounds!

For those of us who are ambitious, there are times in life when it becomes a heavy burden to bear. There are testing times when we are stretched and stressed and all the angst just doesn’t seem worth it. It is at this time that the decision has to be made whether to fight on and may be live like a king some day, or to give up and crawl through the rest of your lives.

As British philosopher John Stuart Mill said, it is possible to be “content with life” even though “dissatisfied”, so long as one has the proper balance of pleasure, quantitatively and qualitatively. In his words, “better Socrates dissatisfied than a pig satisfied.” Who in their right mind would want to lead the life of a pig with no questions of the world, no complaints and no ambition? Socrates with his dissatisfied mind, his curiosity and mental turmoil would certainly be the choice of every rational person.

Bouts of high-adrenaline ambition interspersed with moments of a quiet content would be the ideal recipe for a life well lived!


So here's wishing you, the reader on of those meaningful, content, complete lives, may you find the right balance!

Funnnnyyyy!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mB7fnIlmyzA

Monkeys are adorable, aren't they?! :P

Here I am... CARNEGIE MELLON !! !! !!

Here I am - this is me
There's no where else on earth I'd rather be

It's a new world - it's a new start
It's alive with the beating of young hearts
It's a new day - it's a new plan
I've been waiting for you
Here I am !!

INCREDIBLE!! I know this phase of life cannot go undocumented in life. This is a moment I have been wanting to live this for atleast a year now. Prayers and Blessings have all been centred around this. Thankfully, my belief in all of them has been reinstated like never before. Thank God. Thank you all, good souls.

But as much as I want to write, I sense that this is some kind of that feeling that cannot be classified. That cannot be written about. It's happy, it's melancholic, it's confusing. It's all on me now. I had anticipated it before, I was sort of prepared to face it too. This whole big new world of me and me only. Yes, ofcourse, I cannot imagine how horrible it would have been if not for the people around me now - My only hope. But then, I am on my own. I am the only stakeholder of myself, of all that i do, of all that I am, atleast as far as i can see. Maybe thousands of miles across the seas there are souls thinking of my food, my schedule. It's really kinda touching and weird. But all we can do is think of each other and indeed, that IS it, sadly. As I often say and fear, we will get used to living without each other. We'd soon be a non-entity in each other's lives, dispensable, won't we?. Well, stands like too much of a sacrifice? Let's see.

So here I am, at CMU, living my dream. It is indeed an undefinable feeling, to be in this time, this place, with these people around, as me. A gasp of the cool air around me is all i can do to explain how it feels, English is short of words!

Ofcourse, the share of problems remain, they just increase the worthiness of the happy moments. I landed in America with a bang, with four cancelled/rescheduled flights, funny incidencts, a 500$ per night accomomdation in NY on the first day of my stay here :D, lol. Then this beautiful Pittsburgh became a part of my life. Ofcourse, it was horrible to furnish the house, make a home out of it, to get used to the fact that there would be no steaming dinner anymore when I enter home with my hunger pangs at their peak, the fact that yelling at people would do no good to the food or would no more get me some pampering. But yea, it's but a small trade-off to living a dream.

So this is my new phase of life, blindfolded and ready to go through whatever comes my way.Very special and very demanding at the same time. But it is,trust me, indeed, great!

So here's wishing all you people out there, all of you kind enough to read this, that you get to live through a dream like this - when every problem that occurs on the way seems small, that you grow as a person, to look at things from a larger perspective, that you rise above small problems that just make everyday more worthwhile, in retrospect.

Godspeed.

Strawberry Soft Serve...

Have you ever observed a pattern in the way your life unfolds?

I've always admired the phenomenon of deja vu, the mental phenomenon. But this is different. Few things, actually happen in a similar way, as if they follow a repetitive pattern. Not that you perceive them that way, or that you plan in advance for them to occur. They just _happen_.

Now in this season of farewells, I have somehow recognized it happening. Every time I say a good-bye to a dear friend (how much dear I hold the friend to me is very important here, not all friends get such a good-bye from me!), I always end the day with a strawberry soft serve at McDs. ALWAYS. I can count atleast 5 times this has happened. Today, I did it because I just wanted the pattern to continue, given the fact that McD was just a floor away.

The first one was at the McD at South-Ex. The last day of my summer of 2008 at ICPO. Probably the beginning of the pattern. Good-bye to shakky and neha. The day that still holds a lot of everygreen memories for me, followed by the Dominoes night on July 8, 2008. They all made the day I said farewell to all those dearest people - july 10,2008, all the more special! Those memories are just etched and I am sure I shall recount it to even my grandchildren!

And then while at NBRC, 4th July, 2009 - McD at Ambience Ambience - goodbye to ankita, subhankar, gagan and purabi. After the fateful pasta and the amazing raj kachori, i remember we finished it with the Soft serve! I just loved it and I remember how hurried we were, to get back.. It was one real adventure, wasn't it? A memorable one at that... The whole institute went into a frenzy searching for us late in the night :)

And now very recently, on the 14th of July, we went out to Ampa Skywalk! A super gang of girls, happy-go-lucky ones.. Went around and around.. finally bid farewell over soft serve @ McD, Skywalk... Madhura, harini, vinitha, apoorva and priya. Again a tad emotional like every other time, but the excitement of the strawberry soft serve overcomes it all..

And today, with vaishnavi, it was time to say goodbye... After lots of talking, we finally finished it off with Strawberry Soft Serve, purposefully so. I shall remember this day for long for more than one reason, mainly for all the conversation that we had. Felt so heart-warming :)

So here's wishing, the number of such good-byes come down, though I would love to continue the stint with the yummmmmmmmy strawberry soft serve, given that I am such a strawberry person, I blindly go for the flavor, whatever be the dish - from milkshakes to perfumes!
(By the way, a couple of good-byes have been over chocolava cake recently, memorable again! Just two of them, but then that was because of lack of McD nearby!)

Talking of patterns, as one of my friends Madhura rightly pointed out in all her wisdom, its also true that we go through the same kind of feelings when we wear the same dress. I have seen it happen atleast quite a few times recently. I have a blue Fabindia top which drives me crazy with emotions. I always end up having one of the best times of my lives the day I wear it, my heart brimming with an undefinable sort of happiness and then the person of the day leaves the place and I end up crying fully the rest of the day - Out of the sheer thought of missing those wonderful people and the memories, and trust me, it isn't planned that I would wear something that day. It just Happens.. Rather, maybe it's meant to happen that way. Happy to know the same happens with many people as well. Ofcourse, I would be telling a lie if i said the same happens whenever I wear that dress, then I would be planning these and these wouldn't make for interesting co-incidences for me to write about. It's actually the other way about - such days happen to fall on days when I wear that particular dress, that's the interesting thing here.

So pardon me if reading this post was a waste of your time. This post has had no thinking behind it, no editing too. Just pouring out. As I keep telling, this blog is a time machine for me, the place I vent all my feelings out. And this post, comes at the spur of a moment, out of mixed emotions, out of the feel-good I have got today. Just take a bit of this enthu if you would like from here. It grows double when I share!

If you've gone through the same, have ever observed a pattern in your lives, make me happier by posting them in the comments! These things make life more worthwhile!

The adjective 'Indispensable' is a myth...

My bro is reading conservation of natural resources and was reading aloud this most important question that comes everytime on every single question paper. "Differentiate between renewable and non-renewable resources". And all of a sudden, he appeared to me like the ultimate philosopher material. He popped a question out of nowhere - "Do human beings fall under the renewable resource category or the non-renewable resource category?" I was actually bowled over! On one side, the person in me said 'non-renewable' because, renewable means there is an equivalent replacement, similar to the previous one in all respects, after a period of time. NO. How can i replace someone in my life with another? Just Impossible! Aren't these people just too precious, too unique, too one-of-a-kind to even think of a replacement? NO, human resource is non-renewable. Without an iota of doubt!

But on the other hand, let me look at it like a HR manager. There are millions of people out there, each one with his/her own story in life, each one with his/her own code of DNA, each one with his/her own skill sets. And out of sheer chance, there ought to be atleast a few people with similar skill sets, similar characteristics, similar thinking processes. Having said that, finding these similar people, though might be a task, it is still a feasible possibility. And talking of renewability, those few who are alike, need not even exist in the same time period to be called that way. So the answer is very clear - human resource, is a renewable resource, especially considering it over a period of time. What looked like non-renewable, irreplaceable at one point of time, morphs into a thing that appears to be replaceable.

Moving on to a more reflective philosophical state, indeed, everything and everyone is transient. HR, is indeed renewable. What you are today, somebody else would be tomorrow. What is yours today, would be somebody else's tomorrow. It takes a great deal of experience, told and self-endured, to realise this. Incidentally, influences and such great knowledge of life can happen at the most unexpected of moments - I shall explain how this thought sunk into me.

It was Nayanthara, yes, she belongs to the tribe of actresses - a tribe we generally attibute stupidity to, not gyan. There's no place for wisdom in showbiz, or so do we assume. But ironically, when asked if she was insecure about her No.1 position in tamil(she had just finished chandramukhi then), and if she would be jealous if someone else took it over, she replied, "those feelings are but natural, it's all transient" - words ripe with wisdom. She was arrogance personified in that interview, but good things always come with a dash of an unpleasant taste! She said "like everything else, the No.1 spot is transient." The very day she took the crown, she had to realise that it was 'taken' from someone and that taught her that it was indeed very transient and that it would be passed on very soon too - 'taken' by someone too. It is just a matter of time. And when asked about why she isn't great friends with many in the industry (unlike Trisha and Shriya who apparently are the best buddies, and Nayan being their arch rival)she replied matter-of-factly "We are made to forget the difference that exists between an acquaintance and friendship these days. While it might elevate your sense of well-being considering the number of friends, more often than not, it terribly pulls down the worth of good friendship. Everyone gets passed on as friends" I thought what she said was total crap at that point of time, thought she didn't have the bliss of having so many people around, everyone of them deserving to be called the best of friends, the kind of people who make your life, the kind of people you can't live without. Never realized she had a point then.

She also made a very profound statement that just blew my mind away, after all these years. " The only person who is going to be with you all-through your life is nobody except YOU, and when you expect someone else to be with you, it becomes a mistake of yours which you would more often end up regretting. You ought to be your best friend, philosopher and guide, the pillar of support and the proverbial shoulder to cry" OK, understandably, it's not quoted verbatim, it's my interpretation of what she said. But then, how true, how ripe with meaning! If we could get that thought into us, accept it in its whole, life becomes a lot more easier. Most of the issues that arise today in relationships, is probably because of unrealistically enormous expectations we have for the other person, while we never even bother about what might be expected of us. Having seen many a relationship go down like a pack of cards, it suddenly dawns on me that taking something for granted and thereby having huge expectations is the primary culprit, not just with relationships, but in a lot of other things in life as well.

One might argue this is the epitome of selfishness and this isn't a very good way to lead life. Let me clarify. I don't mean detachment here. I am not asking you to refrain from building trust and friendships that seem to engulf your life in totality. That's as close it can get to heavenly bliss. My point is this - Love the person, the place or the thing or your career or an idea as much as you do now. Just love, minus the expectations. There is no room for disappointment then, there is no room for accusations then. You are responsible for your actions in totality. Don't expect them to do something, behave in a way, just because they are what they are to you. Not even things as simple as calling you back when they see a missed call from you. Thereby, whatever nice comes to you,they do to you, all of it is just a sweet surprise, doubly sweet in a sense because it was unexpected. Doesn't that sound great? All the love for people and things minus all the pain that comes with it. Just take expectations out of the picture. Maybe I am wrong, but I am happy this way and that is it - my way of dealing with anybody and anything.

Another instance i would quote, is from a person who I can safely call my idol, my inspiration and just about everything of that sort. Chinmayi. After every show of Airtel Super Singer she used to host, there used to be this elimination phase that's high on drama. Indeed, those tears have given the TRPs a boost like nothing else. (Super singer was the one that had the least bit of drama back then, when she used to host). And then while signing off, she used to say with her trademark 'goodbye' in multiple languages, a very profound statement, just fitting for someone as wise and as knowledgeable and as ready-to-learn as her. Something on the lines of 'Men may come and men may go' she used to say to the eliminated one, "We ll miss you here on the sets for sure, good luck to your future.. But viewers, all said, NOBODY IS INDISPENSABLE AND THE SHOW SHALL GO ON" And the show shall go on. What a statement! Fit it into your life. How true!

Now as I somehow fit the pieces of my life to see a picture out of these 21 years, read chat archives, read whatever I had documented at various points of time about how I felt, i realize its true. Nayan and Chinmayi are absolutely right. You are your own best friend and more importantly, Nobody is indispensable. Let alone things. If that holds true for people, the question of things doesn't even arise.

So why all this ranting now? Obviously I am at this juncture of life that's high on emotion. Farewells are one of the toughest things to handle for a person like me. Like I've always said, I end up missing people, places and things very badly. But then, let me be frank. I have somehow gotten used to this 'missing people' story now. People I thought I could never live without, are now my gtalk buddies, just that. 'Hi, wazzup, bye.' Period. And I don't repent it, not either of our fault that we are just that kinda buddies. They would still figure among the 'best friends of my life' list. I would anyday thank God for bringing them into my life. I still call them midnight on their birthdays and would end up feeling really sad myself if I forget to do that. But I am not any more that close to them, like how I used to be, when they figure in every hour of my day that passes... Not any more so close that me or my friendship is needed to them to make their day, which implies, I am dispensable. Just as they have become to me. Dispensable.

That said, I should also admit that, that particular period of my life wouldn't have just been the same without them. If I am what I am, it is definitely because they formed a big part of the universe that conspired to make me what I am. Yes, they were indispensable in that sense, but only in that period of time. Maybe, we should always define indispensability with an expiry date.

No, don't paint a picture of me as someone who has 'use and throw' friends! Not at all. I've known from my friends that I've been a very good one at being a friend, a very helpful and trustworthy one at that. No, they weren't flattering me in slambooks. That's real coz that's what I have always strived to be - a good friend, to add a little more meaning to my life. A good friend, close to someone who seems to be indispensable... That's what I wish I always am and continue to be, come what may.

So this is to you, my dear friend, my dear well-wisher : I have always believed we were indispensable to each other and I thought we would be so, forever and ever. I really cherish the moment when you said my day isn't complete without you. I really liked it when I knew that you wouldn't be what you are, without my small role in your life. I really liked it when I could rejoice your successes as mine and cry in your tough times as though they were mine. I really assumed I was indispensable to you and it really seemed so, back then, and I know it was definitely not an illusion. But the bubble just burst. Pooh, there.. without a trace. I never thought you could ever live without me, but after a while, it now looks like you can.. since I now live without you. I shall admit I did miss you initially,with every single thing around reminding me of you and the wonderful moments together. But dear, let's face it. It's been a while now and the brain's memory is weirdly designed that you are indispensable no more.

Yes, I am my own best friend, the show called 'life' will go on even if you, my friend, meri jaan, aren't part of it. And... The adjective 'indispensable', is a myth indeed!!

The precious little somethings...

OK,enough of amateur movie reviews on my blog. My friend sent me an sms saying - "The biggest comedy of this century - we are ENGINEERS!" Oh yes, what a joke! Four years have just gone by. Whoooooosh! Just like that! Ofcourse, memories remain and thankfully, the sour ones dont even form 1% of the ones i really cherish. As it sit and think, at the fag end of this ethereal experience, I can't really narrow down on one incident or one person or one day or one thing or one issue to talk about. Its the total package that makes it extremely special. But those memories shall be talked about later, making us cherish them all the more. No, I am not going to talk about how great college was, and not definitely about how badly I am going to miss it. This is about a weird practice of mine, a kind of confession in a way. Not many of my friends, even the closest know this little thing i have for saving little things, saving photos and smses - simply for the memories that I attach to them.

The person I am, I get close to people very easily, i get comfortable with different kinds of people, or atleast that's what i have been made to understand about myself for so long, whether or not it's true. But there is a serious flip side to it. I also end up missing the people very very badly once we take different directions in life, and it somehow happens that meeting them again doesnt seem very plausible often. The result is that I start treasuring little trinkets, ranging from tissue papers to photos to smses to small cute keychains, little gifts, certain dresses, etc etc etc.. Most importantly, chat archives ( I literally had tears when my computer crashed and all my chat archives were gone with the yahoo messenger) Not necessarily because, they were the best moments that had radically changed my life, and not because they were from exceptional people or the most important ones in my life, but because I really felt different at that moment, and living through that experience gave me a unique kind of feeling. And every time i see/touch/feel/read each of the memorabilia, I relive that moment. For similar reasons, sometimes i feel i need to pen down things, so that the feeling that the experience gave me stays evergreen. And i have, written down a lot of such things that I wouldn't dare let anybody else read. The vulnerable me, with all my innocence and longing for a small, contented happiness intact is the author and that's the simple reason I wouldn't let anybody else read it.

As years roll by, we might remember an incident, a person who made a difference and probably that feeling when we felt hurt. On the other hand, the small, little, cute nothings and those fleeting moments wherein you experience absolute bliss go uncaptured in time. As they rightly say in VTV, 'andha nodi' just slips by, even though you might remember in vivid detail what happened that day. This writing and memorabilia freezes all those little nothings and gives you a wonderful high when you recount them. And this happens not only to the sweetest of memories, but to the not-so-sweet ones that made you learn a lesson as well.

So right now, this thought has been running through mind. Am i right in doing it? After all, it has been giving me absolute happiness all these years, nothing has happened that I would want to stop doing it. On the other hand, am i over-burdened by these memories? As the memorabilia accumulate, does it stand for nothing else but clutter in my cupboards? Add to it the pain of guarding it and reasoning it out to people who discover it. Is it really worth it all?

Does everyone else treasure memories this way? Or is it just me? Is there any other way you remember things, places, people, hang-outs, get-togethers? Tell me please, because, the present was shaped by the past and memories then, can help you face the present in all courage and infuse in you that indomitable spirit to look up to a brighter future. And the past, has taught us something or the other always, if only we care to look out for the lesson.. It might be as simple as what makes you happy or otherwise.. As simple as what kind of people you go well with and those that you don't... These trinkets and little somthings that i treasure make the memories surface again, indeed, they make a time machine... I am not going to stop doing it. After all, nobody else in the world has such a better time machine at their disposal! Comments?

Will you cross the skies for me?

I finally broke my unlucky stint with widely anticipated movies. After a patient, but very eager and a hugely talked about wait - for ex: "waiting for feb 14 status" on fb! :P For the first time, I made alllll the effort against alllll the odds (some were real big to just dismiss as normal odds, the people concerned would know :P ) to watch a hugely publicized movie on the first day! Vinnaithaandi Varuvaaya! I know how much I wanted to watch it and how eagerly I was waiting for it, colleting every single bit of information/gossip/interview/trailer that came along. AND – What an experience it turned out to be! I run out of words at such moments. Wowww is all I can say! Life’s sometimes very beautiful.

First of all, all you love skeptics out there, please do not watch this movie, this is a very very elegant celebration of love and being skeptical takes away everything from the movie. If u can say there is anything close to a solid storyline in the movie – it is only that of a boy falling head over heels in love with a girl, and ermmm yes, sort of vice versa in a way too! What makes it an adorable one despite that is the fact that it is intelligently shot, with very little of zero probability events that never happen. Ofcourse, there are exceptions to this in the movie, but on the whole, it left me with such an impeccable feel good mood that I thought Gautam Menon has got it right, bang on! He is really the hero in the movie, in every sense of the word. His wit sparkles all through, though you could sense a lot of threads from vaaranam aayiram, minnale etc., That still doesn’t take away much from the creditworthiness of the movie. Yes, it might be a clichéd younger boy loving elder girl story, yes some scenes strikingly remind you of scenes from earlier films, but it still is truly wonderful for the simple reason that everything that you see, hear and feel is beautiful – that is the word that describes the movie best. Right from Trisha, the music, the absolutely stunning visuals, the manoj paramahamsa’s camera with white being the theme, the dialogues, and most importantly the dubbing voice of trisha- chinmayi – every single thing is sheer beauty.

Then the music – this was the first movie for which I knew all the songs and the lyrics by heart before the release so well that I could sing along every one of those lines completely in the theatre. The music was absolutely mind-blowing, just fitting enough for an ARR. I was very curious about how it would be picturised and all. But somehow, the one that I liked most was the way Anbil Avan was picturised – call it peppy, say its because of chinmayi’s voice, the importance of that moment in the movie, the suuuuperb chemistry between the lead pair – as a package, it’s the best!

Then Silambarasan, what a revelation! Guess the character name karthik and romance go ver well together! (Remember Alaipayuthey?). There is one thing I really wanna say here. Today romantic hero automatically translates into chocolate boys and those typical lover boy faces. VTV was a welcome change as this movie finally showed the manliness of a die-hard romantic, a rare thing to find these days, nevertheless, something I find extremely attractive. Sigghhh! :P Yes, a guy would utter expletives at some point of time, and yes, he would say things that normally chocolate boys don't tell on screen. I think that’s how guys are wired to react, so those chocolatey boys either don’t exist, or maybe whoever is close to that image are extreme flirts, the kind you wouldn’t wanna trust! So, for the record, yes the same simbu who declared “ enakku cut sonna nadika theriyadhunga, apdi dhan enga appa solli kuduthirkaru” has a different dimension, if not an entirely different persona as I expected and that’s where he scores. <3 <3

Trisha. I seriously run out of words, I would rate it her best, if at all the rest of her movies would qualify to even compete! I have always been a huge fan of women of substance and I strongly think those oh-so-sexy and drop-dead-gorgeous but totally dumbass ladies you get to watch on screen don’t exist in the real world(Maybe I should meet the blondes?! It's popular belief, no?). So this was a refreshingly real avatar of the heroine. I loved her look in the movie, I guess everyone did. Then the ascendas Polaris connection, the roads, the inox and sangam theatres that kept coming - the detailing was wonderful too and added to the feel good factor!

What I liked about her was that the confusion in her, the fight within her, the passion of her soul, the confusion that her better sense gave her and her double-mindedness, all that was so real.Every girl at some point of time goes through all that, and yes, it takes a Gautam menon to say, girls live in a gray area with millions of shades between the black and the white. And that, is a very difficult area to survive on without sliding on to either side. Then comes the USP- Chinmayi’s voice, I go weak in my knees with this aspect in every single movie, be it a worst movie like asal for Sameera reddy or the idol-like Meghna of Vaaranam Aayiram @ UC Berkeley and here in VTV, oh my gawd! Her voice is something that bowls me over with an intelligent and witty dimension to it, every single time!

The locations and camera angles – (a relief, now that I missed the wayanad and goa class trip) – it had plenty of marvel on screen. It was outstanding, for want of a better word. That contributes maximum to the feel-goodness. Elegance comes through simplicity more often than not and somehow, we have learnt to embrace clutter and still search for elegance in it! It is very difficult to match the storyline with, rather tailor-make it for the locations and the visuals you wanna show on screen and I think Gautam is just excellent in that!

Then my company for today – aarthi, lalitha, keerthana and mathangi with me. Was loads of fun. Especially meeting my jackpot friend after sooo long and going out with aarthi n lalitha after that eventful Delhi Sangam outing! Looks like we are meant to go out only to Sangam theatres, be in RKP sec 9 or in kilpauk! :) And how can I forget that lovey dovey couple that defeated the on-screen chemistry, sitting next to me. Oh it was way too much for me to decently handle, both on and off screen! BP, japesh and Vishnu were there too, but they were quite far from us to even get involved in any of our discussions, well, consciously so in a sense!

And then the most important part – my precognition! I don’t really know why – but 30minutes into the film and I started telling people the climax. No,it wasn’t the least predictable, not one in the theatre except the craziest me would have thought, but I did – in the interval too I kept talking about it. Somehow I felt it and I even guessed dialogues that came out to be surprisingly correct. The climax finally was very close to what I predicted, but just in a different way though! Glad to be thinking on the lines of Gutam Menon :P But, how I wish I was wrong! Oh God! You would know what I am talking about, once you watch the movie! No more spoilers here!

There are also a number of scenes that stayed in my mind vividly – I wouldn’t describe them coz I have warned myself to be cautious of using too many spoilers in this post! Okie, let me record here one safe thing – it was the Pittsburg temple that invariably finds a place in every tamil movie shot in the US. Trisha in that beautiful brown saree in anbil avan song! Oh, at that moment I really really really, from the bottom of my heart wished I was there at Pittsburg! I might have to wait a month to know if that’s feasible, but if I do get to do it, I don’t know how many more births I would thank God for! Please come to my rescue Lord, God help me! In a way what triggered, rather gave momentum to this US higher education idea was, UC Berkeley in Vaaranam Aayiram! And now, this one! Fingers crossed!

So.. the last word.. This is hoping, this first day movie watching stint of mine continues, hopefully with such good movies and my precognition continues too! Greed, eh?! Then ofcourse, please, let me look back on this blog post with a smile, sitting in Pittsburg.

In short, every single person would have the strength of his will in being single tested with this Vinnaithaandi Varuvaaya or it would make you sit up and count your blessings in love! And please, do not believe the reviews that say the screenplay is this way and the length is 23 seconds longer, the movie is slow, this half could have been better etc etc., We have been waiting for such a feel-good movie all along, put yourself on the romantic groove and go catch it! :)

When being an idiot became a fancy...

Let me clear the air - as of now, I am sane, no doubt. I am talking about 3 idiots the movie here. I'm not a big movie buff really. I don't know movies and their nuances as much as i know all the add-ons and the flings, the off-screen romances and every other useless gossip. Frankly, i haven't really seen so many movies as to start reviewing them. But, this one was pretty good, good enough to write about it, though this post is coming really late. Infact, I was a person who had an aversion to full-length movies as a kid, someone who wouldn't let mom watch a movie when I was around, and indeed, old habits die hard. It is still a very passive thing to do for me, a movie is the last thing i would do if i want some positive energy or i would want to have fun with people i meet after quite a long interval of time.

Now coming to my fate with films - the ones i want to badly watch, go mad over the music, somehow manage to smell the story from every little bit leaked to the media, go around saying i would watch it the first day, NEVER happen. Recent examples being avatar, ajab prem ki ghazab kahani, and the biggest - 3 idiots. I watched them so late, and repented for not having watched them earlier.

Well, the first thing that attracted me towards 3 idiots was, no prizes for guessing, Aamir Khan. Then there was this 5-point someone take-off connection to it, then there was Madhavan and then the most important one - Aamir's disguised India-wide odyssey as part of the promotion. This man is simply great with incredible ideas, no wonder IIMs have made his Ghajini promotion techniques part of their curriculum.

Then there was the music release, I absolutely loved it. Especially when Shaan goes 'Behti Hawa Sa Tha', I went insane. I knew the basic plot, I knew that it was being shot in Ladakh, i started imagining how it would be picturised and all. With a terrible hindi, all i could do was get some help from translations on the web for this song especially. Then there was Aal izz well, and Gimme some sunshine that were absolutely amazing too. Jaane Nahin comes next, love it in bits and pieces, only for Sonu Nigam and his mesmerising voice. Zoobi would be the last one, don't know why i didnt like it.

Then the not-so-in-your-face subtle comedy in the film - Comedy is the only genre i would safely say i would definitely like, romance and spoof following very closely. Action and graphics don't really work for me everytime. Now and then ,yes. But comedy is a definite winner. So yea, that's the first thing i liked about it.

And then the character of Rancho. This is why i started this post actually. Maybe i think i've always liked such a character - sometime back, I joined this community in fb called "i am sexually attracted to intelligence" and my "ideal match" column on orkut reads "sixth sense preferred over six packs". Well, that's one thing that's true, though this comes from a self-proclaimed die-hard mushy romantic! (atleast for now, this point in time, in which i'm single!) To pull off an intelligent conversation, an interesting one, makes a candle light dinner more worthwhile, doesn't it? Romance is definitely better with some intelligence and wit peppered over it! Coming back to 3 idiots, naturally, I absolutely loved the way Aamir had portrayed it! The fact that he didn't go overboard showing off his intelligence boisterously is the key here. That subtle curiosity is far better than "I-know-everything, what are u doing here?" attitude! Oh I absolutely love the expression on his face when he says " sir why not a pencil?"

Have any of you come across such people, the Ranchordas tribe, in real life? Those kinda people who make you go weak in the knees with a single intelligent word, when you had been contemplating on an issue for hours on end? Those kinda intelligent folks who solve seemingly big issues with a small master stroke of theirs? Those rare people who look at the larger picture and inspire you to do the same? Those made of something extra looking like they have a knack for success? Those who are beautiful/handsome in a weird way that you couldn't figure out for so long? Those who lighten up your day with a witty word? No the setting doesn't have to be very serious or a high-impact issue involving incredible amount of money and definitely, they needn't be that charming as Aamir. Infact, smaller the issue and the more you are stuck up with it, the better is the imprint such people leave on you.

For me, i have been really fortunate to have been close with/seen/met/heard of such people, with different degrees of acquaintance, atleast half a dozen of them! They have this amazingly inspiring air around and that's something I love. And definitely, not all of them are supremely educated or whatever, they are just great in their own chosen fields, big fish in their own small ponds. Maybe, the ponds would grow to be bigger one day. No, I am not going to name any of them here and i agree, they are not Ranchos in entirety. They make up a Rancho in bits and pieces, maybe close to the deglamorised Ryan of Five point someone. Love you all folks and more power to you!

So, how do i finish? I just wish I get closer to that league of idiots. Yes, I wish to chase excellence and let success follow me! And I sincerely hope that I get to meet more such people in life, and I get to stay in better touch with such people I already know. I earnestly hope you, the readers, get such inspirations in real life more often too! Let inspiration flow, let the positive energy take over! Time to walk around with an aura around our heads and spread the cheer! Go watch out for the Ranchos out there!

Long time no blog!

Well, yes. It has been quite a while since I put myself into writing a good piece. To be honest, I did write three posts, very very intense and quite personal ones. Somehow when it was shaping up, it gave me such a feeling of comfort, of having poured out and explored all my feelings, I thought I would treasure it all to myself. A strict no-no for public reading! Lets keep it precious, for atleast sometime now, until my mind and heart say otherwise.

This new year's didn't actually ring in on a very high note, not even a reasonably high one, coz of the really saddening Ramesh mama's sudden death. It gripped me and I find myself going into an unknown thought process once in a while even now. I am probably the least directly affected because of his sudden demise, but it did have such a huge inexplicable impact on me and my thought processes. Given the way i still feel, I can't even think how my folks are going to get out of it and if at all they would, being directly affected by his untimely demise. The world suddenly shrinks into an emptiness and somehow you go on a questioning mode, that infact adds to the worries, than mitigating it.

Maybe a good happening during this period would have changed the gloom, but what followed mama's demise was a cold spring harbor reject and heartbreakingly on pongal - my dream - UT health sci center at Houston reject. Something I assumed that would have a probability of 1 - I was so sure of getting it. Infact that was the first university I shortlisted. Happy place, wonderful university, a senior there to help me through practical issues, an interdisciplinary course, a considerable Indian population in the city, (translating into good food, obviously) affordable cost of living - just what the doctor ordered! I went to the extent of discovering more about life in Houston and the Meenakshi temple there! But alas, some things are just not meant to be! As usual, I hope something better awaits me.

Moving on, for a person like me, don't know if being wired like this is good or bad, a bliss or bane. I get interested in things I thought I would never give a darn about. Blogging, Tweeting are classical examples. Infact, that makes career choices all the more tough for me. I get drawn into things, varied and sometimes weird for someone of my age and nature, so much, and surprisingly, the interest is sustained very well. The most recent example being some philosophical issues. Indeed, they do have a point. All that we have known all along, seem to assume a whole new meaning sometimes. Exploring this is fun, really, and I never thought it could be the slightest of fun before actually reading up and listening to such stuff. I do notice a change in me, don't know why. My choices and priorities are different from what they used to be, and the world appears in a totally new perspective. Don't know if this change is transient, don't know if really something about me has changed, don't know if i am right or wrong, still, there has been a change is all that I can feel.

So, coming back to mundane talk, life is in a standstill now. Bored beyond description doing non-descript things that seem the least productive. And the to-do list i have would never shorten anytime soon I guess, though I did watch a couple of movies from that list. It's a strange feeling - you want to and you have a million things to be done, you do none of them and feel bored for having nothing to do and guilty for not having done anything. Maybe that's what people call with that four-lettered word - l-a-z-y.! The bioinformatics project, is running, not gaining momentum. Maybe the only reason for this lull might be that I miss a few friends when I need them the most, or maybe, the change that has happened in me is doing bad things to me?? Can't really say if it is good or bad, because the change wasn't a conscious one after all. Let's stop at that.

Right now, hoping, praying and wishing for admits to come my way, to steer clear of all the confusions surrounding me and see a clear picture emerge of what I am doing, sans any confusion or more issues. As usual, In God I Trust. The burden is off your shoulders this way and it is truly amazing! Pray for me brother! Pray for me sister!